This post is likely the most transparent I have been with you all since starting Dear Youth Diaries. But I would like to take a moment to share this with you all because I know there are those of you who may have experienced the same or are experiencing the same and may not have the words to express your sentiments.
As the title goes mourning intangible losses, in my personal opinion, is an actual thing. I would say this is the loss of a belief or idea…maybe even betrayal perhaps?
My sisters were blessed with their children early on. Both of them had their children in their 20’s. Watching them, I grew up thinking and believing the same would happen for me and it is amazing to see the way they love their children while the same is reciprocated.
I often thought to myself, “I can’t wait to have my own”! To be able to share such love and a bond with a being whom you grew in your own body…that is quite the connection! But as time went by, I had many more birthdays and no child to claim as my own bundle of joy. And the more the days graduated on the more I began to lose hope, eventually lost all belief, and began to mourn that very wonderful idea of starting a family of my own. I held on to that thought for many years, that I would date an amazing man, he would marry me and then we would start our family. My very first boyfriend I had grown in love with, we were together for over a year and I thought he was the one for me until the day I woke up to a tragic loss. The death of my idea that we would have gotten married at some point. It was a very simple, “I don’t love nor care about you anymore” from him and it was like my whole entire world came spiraling down to a very dark hole. When said ex-boyfriend and I had broken up I was about 22 years old. For many years I thought back on that and I always reminded myself how old my child would have been had him and I had one.
I am now no longer in my 20’s and am still childless. In being transparent I have no problem in saying there are days I grieve very heavily over the loss of the thought and prior belief that I would have been a mother by this time. At one point I eventually broke down and talked this over with my middle sister, who has 3 boys of her own but was able to perceive well the grief I experienced. It is the feeling of failure as a woman. The feeling of disappointment in thinking I did something wrong along the way and missed out on my golden years of opportunity. And there are days when I am out and I see other mothers holding hands with their children and my heart ❤ just sinks very heavily into my chest.
While grieving what seems to be a loss, I have recently stumbled upon some hope. I remind myself that it does not have to be considered a “loss” and maybe I’m mourning prematurely. I am still very young and healthy and more importantly, there is absolutely NOTHING that God is not able to do. My faith steers me into the depths of completely and wholeheartedly trusting in God’s will over my own. To count it all joy regardless of what decision God has ordained over my life, children or not. And I refuse to settle or compromise my beliefs for the sake of getting what I want when I know that God has better in store for me.
I believe we all go through such moments where we have grieved the loss of an idea or belief. Maybe you went through school making all “A’s” until one day a “B” showed up on your transcript and now that belief of being a straight “A” student is lost. Maybe there was a friend in your life whom you believed would always be there until one day that idea died at the hands of time and space.
It is still tragic, emotionally debilitating at times for us as humans in experiencing what seems to be failure or loss of our aspirations. We are beings who long for success in our thoughts, ideas, and beliefs and there is nothing wrong in clinging to a hope that such things will come true for us. A scripture I have been meditating on lately is 2 Corinthians 10:5. It reads, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ”. In the KJV it reads, “CASTING DOWN IMAGINATIONS, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”. In reading that scripture it lets me know that I have the ability to get rid of any foul, disobedient, negative, distracting, untrue thought that would call itself to be over the King of Kings and Lord of Lords over my life. And anything that God has placed in me to be very true and whole is the reality of who I am. I have the ability to BRING INTO CAPTIVITY every thought and ideal to surrender to the OBEDIENCE OF CHRIST.
This is encouraging to me and is the very recent hope which I initially referred to. In knowing that I have the power in me bestowed by God to bring down horrific thoughts about myself and to know that even those very thoughts have to obey God. My insecurity was that I was getting “too old” to have children (read Genesis 21:2). That I would be single for the rest of my life and would never be able to start a family of my own. Trusting and having faith in God means you TRUST Him to do His Will regardless of how it turns out for you. God’s will is not to cause you harm but instead to prosper you (Jeremiah 29:11).
Having focused on this scripture for about a week now, it has given me even more understanding of “Not my will, but God’s will be done”. I don’t have to give up on hope just because things did not happen for me the way it did for my sisters (and practically every person I graduated with). It simply means I have the confidence to trust in what God is doing in my life and have faith to know that it is working out for my good.
In saying that, don’t give up on your ideas and beliefs. There is a reason things have not happened the way you wanted it to. Be encouraged and be patient 😉 . Do not be so quick to want to do things your way. Inevitably this would cause for you to betray yourself and sabotage your own blessings. Remember that God’s timing is perfect timing.